Christmas Season

Shopping with a crowd and a child in tow is NOT one of my favorite things to do.  I usually get very irritable and just want to quit.  This year my goal was to not be so grouchy with all the shoppers because when I worked retail I always wished people would remember the reason for the season.  On Saturday, I decided that since I hadn't done ANY Christmas shopping for Ryan that I needed to get out and do just that.  I wanted to take Kayden with me so that he could experience shopping for this dad.  Kayden was a perfect little angel boy.  He thought it was so cool that we were going out to buy his daddy presents.  I am proud to say that we made it through the trip with no melt downs, from me or from him.  We got home and he was all tuckered out and he went down and I wrapped the gifts.  I knew if I didn't wrap the gifts I would be up doing them Christmas Eve and I did not want that.  Also, if any of you know Ryan, it is driving him crazy that he doesn't know what he is getting...so he would probably try to look for them when I wasn't home.  He even went to the extent of asking Kayden was the present was and Kayden (thank goodness) answered, "Daddy's Present"....phew!

I really have been trying to focus on the Christmas Season this year and not get into the busy world.  I really do love Christmas and I love the reason for the season.  This year has been really hard on Ryan and I and when I think about it I just hope and pray that this next year will bring a year of recovery and health.  I don't think I could have another year of this again.  So, to me I am just thankful for the health that I do have, for the beautiful little boy that gets me through everyday when I am down.  I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who has been by my side all year, for sitting by my hospital bed day in and day out, for sitting by my side after the I got out of the hospital and hold my throw up bucket and clean it out and do all the gross stuff.  He has been nothing but supportive.  For my in-laws...I couldn't have done it without them.  My mother-in-law made out babysitting schedules for Kayden, she made sure we had meals, she came to the hospital almost everyday, she made sure Kayden had everything he needed.  If you don't know you...you should get to know her.  She is amazing.  My father-in-law for being concerned.  He sat in the ER with Ryan and I the first time I was in the hospital after collapsing.  He stayed at the hospital that night until I had had a blessing and that he knew I was being admitted.  He waited through my spinal tap and hearing me scream in pain.  He is the greatest example to my husband and son!  He would do anything to make sure his children were taken care of.  My sister, LeeAnn, for dropping stuff all the time to come help with Kayden.  She is great and I couldn't do a lot without her.  I enjoy calling her in the evening so we can talk about our days.  It is a great wind down session for me.  My sister-in-law, Jennifer, dropped everything to fly to AZ from CO with her baby to come help Ryan when I couldn't stop throwing up.  She made dinners, cleaned my fridge, and did everything that I hadn't been able to do for 3 months or so.  My sister, Annette, for coming to AZ for UT the second time I was in the hospital.  She was a huge help and by her coming I was able to convince my doctors I didn't need to go to a rehab place.  My sister-in-law, Dana, that I call every morning.  I love talking to her.  She is so uplifting and positive.  My sister-in-law, Deena, for taking time to watch Kayden while Ryan goes to school.  What a huge help that has been.  My visiting teachers...gosh these two women are amazing.  I love them.  They help me at the drop of the hat all the time and I am so thankful for them.  I have so much to be thankful for and I can't name everyone in here because this would be a never ending post.  I just feel like I have so much to be thankful for and I need to share it with everyone.  

The gospel in my life and the support I receive from those I love at church and my family has been shown so much this year.  I am so thankful for my testimony of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am thankful that I have had the strength and the faith.  Without faith I would be lost.  I just pray that I can have the faith to continue onward and make it through this.  I love my family, Ryan's family, and all those around me.  I pray that Kayden will grow up and not get caught up in the presents, but the presence of Christmas. 

I hope this Christmas Season finds everyone doing well.  I love you all and am so thankful for the support and prayers my family has received from you throughout the year.  I have not had the chance to do Christmas cards this year, so I hope that this can replace that.  May we remember the reason for the season and share the joy of the Christmas season not just at this time, but year round.  

It has been a while...

So it has been a while since I have updated my blog and it isn't because I haven't been thinking about it, but life happens and I would rather go to bed then sit up and figure out what to write.  Not that I sleep when I am in bed...because sleep doesn't happen much around here except for Kayden and Ryan.  

So I decided that I needed to write what was going on with me just for my sake and so I don't forget so I have future references to go back on.  A little over a month ago I was put on a steroid...I didn't mind as long as it was for a short term.  I had gotten to a point where I wasn't getting any better and I wasn't getting any worse.  I just knew that I was tired of not being able to pick up Kayden (especially if he was in a fisty mood) and I was sick of not being able to change his diaper and doing things that people take for granted everyday.  I had reached a breaking point and I couldn't handle it anymore.  I made an appointment with my doctor and went and saw him two weeks later.  That is when he decided to put me on the steroid.  I am still doing my treatments every other week and taking the steroid daily.  Also, I am not giving the steroid full credit because I don't think that it was completely the steroid.  When I was in the hospital in August my brother, Keith, called me and told me about this all natural supplement that he wanted me to think about taking.  I told him I would look in to it and then life happened and I never did.  My brother really isn't in to the all natural things so I was kind of surprised.  He had been taking it for other reasons and thought it may help me.  I am not into the all natural things either.  I didn't start taking it right away...in fact, it wasn't until I talked to my sister-in-law one day that she said that she was ordering some for me to try.  They couldn't hurt anything that is for sure.  I got them in the mail a little over a week later and started them.  I can now tell on the days I don't take them because my hands and feet seem to tingle all day.  Anyway, so I give that most of the credit as well.  

The whole process since I got out of the hospital in August has been more than frustrating and I have had a very hard time staying positive.  I feel bad for my husband who has been nothing but supportive and has picked up the slack and has more than proved himself as an amazing person.  I also feel bad for my sister-in-law that I call almost every morning and she usually hears me complain and talks me through it.  She is amazing!  I am very hopeful that this next year will be a year of recovery.  I don't think I could handle anything more.  If I stay positive then I know it can happen.  Let's kick this disease in to remission.  Also, if you see me and I look like I am pregnant, don't get your hopes up.  It can't and isn't going to happen for a long while.  These steriods have made my face a little fat and I have done a pretty good job at watching what I eat so I don't get super fat.  Beleive me...I think I would rather be pregnant.  (The reason this came up was because someone asked Ryan if I was pregnant!)

So on to Kayden!  Kayden never ceases to amaze us.  He is definetely a two year old, but he melts my heart at least 50 times a day.  He is so cute and funny and cuddly and loveable.  I feel bad because sometimes I don't have the patience to deal with him so I get frustrated which makes him frustrated, but I am working on it.  He is talking in full sentences and his latest phrase is, "Please don't!"  And he always says it in the right spot.  He loves to help me do everything and make everything.  I usually just put him in front of the sink with the water running and he thinks he is being a huge help.  The mess is a very welcome treat if it means I have a happy little boy that just wants to help. 

So on to Ryan...Ryan is in school full time and is a work out fanatic.  He will do his work outs and then still take the time to go walking with me at night since that is really the only exercise I can do.  (If you saw me run you would laugh...I can't do it!)  He tried out for the Mesa Police Academy and passed the Physical Test and then got selected to do the written test, but missed it by six points.  DARN!  But we just remind ourselves that everything is on the Lords time.  Most people can't pass this test the first time.  It usually takes them 2 or 3 times so for Ryan to only miss it by six points...I think that is darn good!!!  

Happy 2nd Birthday, Little Man!!!!

So, I can't believe that my baby boy is going to be 2. It breaks my heart to see him getting so big. Why can't he just stay small?  Kayden has been the biggest blessing to Ryan and I.  He is the light in our life.  When I ask Kayden how old he is going to be this is what he does...
Isn't that so cute?
Here is Kayden's second cast...He is pretty good about having the thing on.  Sometimes he asks if he can run fast, but he doesn't complain about the cast.
This is how he says two!!!!
I only got a couple of pictures of him in his costume, but they are really cute ones that is for sure.
He called Aunt Kuku (LeeAnn) and Karl on Halloween and they asked him what he was going to be for Halloween and he told them he was going to be a dog-dog!!!  It was pretty cute.

Well, since this is Kayden's birthday post here are the things we love about him.

1.   He gives life to our life.

2.  He always has a smile on his face especially if you ask how he is doing.

3.  He LOVES his father.  He ADORES his father.

4.  He is so protective of his mother.

5.  He loves sports, just like his dad.  He can name every sport except golf.

6.  He loves food.

7.  He loves to brush his teeth.

8.  He pasts us on our backs and asks if we are okay.

9.  He loves his Papa's and his Grandma.

10.  He loves learning.  Lately he loves colors and he says them so cute.

11.  He loves going to church.

12.  He encourages us to say family prayers every night and even makes us say prayers with him when he goes down for his naps!

13.  He comes up with the funniest words for things like ahwah for his pacifier and dodee for yogurt.

14.  He cuddles up with Ryan whenever he is tired and just chills.

15.  He understands when I can't pick him up and he is so patient with my illness.

16.  He loves playing with all his dads old toys and I can see Ryan as a child playing the same way as Kayden is.

17.  He is such a little tender heart.

18.  He loves to dance and head bang and he tells us to dance all the time when we are driving.

19.  He loves it when we play and wrestle.

20.  We love Kayden because he is ours.  What better gift could we have asked for?  He is the light of our life and the joy and happiness of our world.

We love you little Kayder man!  You are one amazing child!  Thanks for two great years and many more to come!

Those pictures I promised...

So I am finally getting around to posting these pictures...
Kayden loves his bike and when he gets his cast off he will be back on it really quick...I am sure!
Kayden's big boy bed...
Kayden is so sick...it was no fun!  My first sleepless night as a mother.
This happens nightly.  This is his calm down time.
I think Ryan told me this was in Olympia...beautiful!
Heber and Henry entertaining baby Sarah.
Can you see Henry's cute little sling?  He broke his collar bone!
Cute little baby Sarah.
David playing football with Kayden.
Look how high he threw that ball.
He followed these two everywhere.  It was so cute.
The whole gang.
My dooter scooter and I!
Cute picture of David and Kayden.
Poor little cast...yup...it was broken...
Getting it put on!!!!

MIA

So, I don't know who reads my blog and who is waiting for a post, but I realized that it had been way too long since I had updated this thing.  Life has been pretty crazy so I will do the bullets so I don't go on and on...

• Get treatments every other week (not fun)
• Got the statement for my hospital stay...$95,500
• Ryan goes to Washington to try out for the Tacoma Police Department
• Does AMAZING, but missed the mile and a half run by 9 seconds...yeah it is really unfortunate
• Waiting to hear if he gets to try out of Tempe Police Department
• David and Dana had a layover in PHX on there way to UT
• Kayden got the flu, then Ryan, then me...not a fun week 
• I went back to work after my leave to recover from the hospital
• Kayden is in a big boys bed
• Kayden jumped off the couch at Deena's and hasn't walked since (we are taking him in on Monday for a second xray.
• Today, I had the opportunity to attend Day out for Women...WONDERFUL

The last one is what I am going to talk about more.  It was so amazing.  I felt like I was really supposed to be there.  The last speaker really touched my heart and made me realize what I need to be thinking and doing about my disease that I struggle with everyday.  She had been partially blind her whole life due to cancer and about 6 years ago became completely blind.  She has had cancer multiple times and it can come back at any time.  She said at first she wanted to just ask the Lord, "WHY ME!!!"  (That is where I am at right now!) And then after much prayer she came to the conclusion that she needed to have HOPE!  She said that she knew that there was a chance that it could come back, but she had HOPE in the Lord that it wouldn't.  That really hit me as what I needed to be thinking.  She was amazing and I am so glad I could here that talk and get the confirmation that the Lord really hears our prayers because I pray every night to know what I need to do and I got my answer today.  It was amazing.

Pictures to come tomorrow...I am too tired tonight.

Utah/Funeral

I didn't take many pictures of the funeral because I have a hard time with that.  So the pictures I have I took from family members.  We decided that we were going to drive to Utah and it was a lot of fun.  Kayden did AMAZING.  He is such a perfect little traveler.  I love my little guy.  So since we left home on Thursday it gave us some time to drive.  So Ryan took me through some of his mission.  Unfortunetely, he couldn't find any of his investigators at home so we didn't get to see any of them.  It was fun to see Ryan get so excited about showing up around.  He loved his mission so much.

So, instead of crossing over to I-15 after Kanab, we took the 89 all the way through Gunnison (by Manti) and we got off the road in Gunnison and took it to Manti.  It was a very scenic route.  If it wasn't a shorter drive it sure did feel like it because it was so scenic.  We got some good pictures of the temple.

We got to Annette and Neals house and were so glad to be out of the car.  We didn't go much that night and on Friday we had the viewing and I was late, of course, so I didn't get to see a lot of people.  The funeral was on Saturday and you could definetely tell that my Grandma had planned that out.  It had a lot of music and it was wonderful.  At the luncheon, I was able to catch up with some cousins but not enough of them. 

We were able to meet Baby Keith and he is a little doll.  Cameron and Karl tossed Kayden around a lot and I think that is just what he needed.  Kayden loved it and is still talking about it.  I took some videos and he has to watch them all the time.  It is so cute.  

Time of picture overload time...Be prepared.

Zander loved the Blueberry Pancakes we made.
Zander thought he would show Kayden the proper way to ride this.
Kayden listened really well to Zanders expert advice.
I took this picture of the temple from the moving car and thought it looked kinda cool.

This is what Kayden is 50% of our car time.  
Camo wrestling Kayden at the funeral home...Kayden thought it was hilarious.
Sweet, sweet baby Keith...he is so cute.
He looks like he is in some deep thought here.
Me holding the baby with the proud parents close by.
It was weird holding a baby because I am still a little weak and it hurts to touch my skin so I couldn't get completely comfortable with him and he would squirm everytime I moved.
I got to see the Snyder family.  I used to babysit these children...boy am I getting old.  I love the Snyder family though.  They are AMAZING>>>
The tossing begins and Kayden is in heaven.



Love this picture of  my handsome little brothers.
Once again, roughing Kayden up.
Karl's friend, Jordan, played with Kayden and Zander all evening.
Kaydens winding down time always begins with the cars.
Karl and cute little Zander man.
Can't go to the semetery without stopping by to see my mother's burial place.
My grandparents beautiful headstone.
I thought this was a great picture...Just a good way to show that she lead a very good life.  She was an amazing person.

My Dear Sweet Grandmother

Today my grandmother returned home to her Father in Heaven.  She had been in a light coma and had been running a fever off and on.  She is able to be with my grandfather and my mother.  She lead by example and was the most loving and caring person.  My grandma was a woman of great faith, service and love.  She dedicated her life to her children, grandchildren and her church callings.  I loved spending the night at her house with her game nights and wonderful breakfasts who wouldn't love it.  I bet the reunion with my grandfather and my mother was a most amazing sight to see.  I would have loved to have been a bystander to see that.  We love you, Grandma.  Thank you for your wonderful example and faith.  You will be missed by all.

This picture was the most recent...February 2009

This was in August of 2008 for Cameron and Alice's wedding.

This was in April of 2008...

This was in September of 2006...

I am home...

So, I know you are probably all wondering what the heck is going on.  If you aren't then you don't need to keep reading.  This is also for journal purposes as well.  So I had a spinal tap on the 8th of August.  I was feeling really anxious about this one because I had a horrible experience in March with my first one.  Well, I was really weak going in to the spinal, but things just went down from there.  Not so bad that I couldn't deal with it, but enough that I saw a huge difference.  It wasn't painful at all. In fact, I didn't feel a thing.  But when Sunday came around, I was so incredibly dizzy that I could not do very much.  I was seeing double, triple, quadruaple vision.  It was horrible.  I called my doctor on Monday and he said to call him if it got worse.  It didn't get any worse, but I got a call from his office on Tuesday saying that he couldn't get me in until Sept. 2nd.  This just wasn't going to work for me.  I have my doctors cell phone number so I called that and he asked me some questions on how I felt and then decided he needed to see me that day.  I was in his office by 2 and this is where the story really begins. 

Dr. Krishna did his normal assessment on my strength and was floored by outcome.  I was so significantly weaker and incredibly dizzy that it was unreal.  He walked out of the room to go get another doctor that works really closely with him and is the expert on these symptoms.  I knew at that point that I was going to be admitted to the hospital.  Dr. Lahda and Krishna walked back in the room and Ladha did his assessment.  He then broke the news to me that the only way to diagnose me and get to the bottom of this was to admit me to the hospital and keep an eye on my 24/7.  They called over to the hospital and sent me home until a room came available.  Before sending me home I asked what they were leaning towards.  The answers scared me...lymphoma (cancer of the lymphnodes), tumors, and some other auto immune diseases.  I cried the whole way home as I called family and told them what was going on.

I got a call a couple hours later saying a room was ready.  I got there and they put an IV in and began the process.  I woke up the next day weaker than the day before.  They did a CT Scan, another spinal tap, an MRI, and more tests than I could ever tell you.  There were a lot.  They decided that while they waited for the results to come back that they needed to start my treatments over again so I could start regaining some strength.  The treatments last 5 days and they watched me very closely because my blood pressure would always drop while I was on them.

Meanwhile, all my test results were coming back normal.  They were waiting for a very important one and that one didn't come back until today.  It came back normal as well, so they came to the conclusion that they had diagnosed me correctly, but I just didn't follow the normal pattern that people with this condition follow.  So they are sticking with the original diagnosis of CIDP (Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy).  It is the chronic version of guillian berre.  

My sister, Annette, is here for a week to help me just in case Ryan is away and I need help.  They did want to send me to a rehab facility if Ryan couldn't be with me all the time.  I told them no and called my sister and she bought a ticket the next day.

I will tell you though...I could not have done this without the help of Ryan's family and LeeAnn watching Kayden while Ryan was at the hospital with me.  Also, Ryan amazes me.  He did everything I asked of him and he did it with a very loving heart.  He sees what I go through everyday and I am so grateful that he watches over me and loves me although I can't do everything I would like to do.  I love you babe!

Coming home at last...

Just so everyone knows...I have been in the hospital since last Tuesday and I get to go home in the morning.  I will let everyone know what was found when it is easier to type.

An update of sorts...

I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on.  I had my spinal tap yesterday and the dreaded thing passed with no complications.  The doctor did an amazing job and I only felt the needle of the numbing shot.  I didn't know the spinal needle when in until he said that he was pulling it out and had gotten more than enough fluid.  They also did an MS panel on me, which is just a fancy way of saying they drew blood.  Anyway, that is my update and I will hopefully have more answers by the end of next week.  

A misdiagnosis

Just thought that I had better update people on my past week of doctors appointments and such.  On Monday I started my treatments that I am supposed to have every other week.  That was an appointment that was just to make me feel better and it wasn't a switch from what I have been having done.  

On Wednesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Krishna and Dr. Lauda...they are the neuromuscular doctors.  I went to that with high expectations and left feeling frustrated and confused.  I was extremely emotional and I couldn't explain why.  The appoinment went fine.  They did some simple strength tests and also tested the feeling in my feet, legs, hands, and arms.  They used a safety pin and would poke my toes and up my legs until I could feel it.  I will just say that on my right side I couldn't feel it until it was half way up the shine.  On my left side I couldn't feel it until it was about and inch above my ankle.  On my arms and hands, again my right side was worse.  I couldn't feel it until it was half way up my fore arm on the right side and on my left I could feel it right above my wrist.  So, that wasn't a shock and neither was the fact that I only have one reflex left in my body.  My reflex in my foot is still there.  They ended up taking me off the medication to supress my immune system because I do want to have more children, even if it is just one more!  The medication hasn't had been studied enough to know if it could prevent me from having more children.  So that was that...nothing too exciting, but I wasn't comfortable with things.

On Thursday on my way home from work my phone rang and it was an unfamiliar number.  It was Dr. Krishna.  He was calling to tell me that they had been looking over all my stuff from the first time I had been seen in the ER and they weren't comfortable with my diagnosis.  They want to start from scratch again.  They want to redo my spinal tap because the first one is showing signs of inflammation and that isn't something that someone with my condition should have with what I had been diagnosed with.  They also said that both sides of my body should be equally effected and they aren't.  I am waiting for a call back from Dr. Krishna because I was so in shock about the call I didn't ask anymore questions.  I don't know if they have something in mind that I could have or if they are just as confused as I am.  Anyway, I will keep everyone updated.  I am scared to death and am putting my full faith in the Lord to help me through this.  I don't know what to expect and I don't know what I could have.  It is a scary thing for both Ryan and I.

On a lighter note...I can't do a post and not put a picture of my handsome little boy on it...so here he is in all his glory.  I love this picture.

An Update with some pictures...

So, I really haven't updated my blog since we got home from Canada.  It is probably because I got a stupid cold.  But it isn't good that I get a cold.  Nope, I started loosing my strength all over again.  I hate this stupid disease and wish that it would just go away.  So I called and scheduled a treatment and went in and had that done the next day.  It helped a little, but I was still loosing my strength.  I called my doctor and she was really concerned.  She scheduled me to have some blood work done, made an appointment for me to see a neuromuscular doctor that specializes in what I have, and put me on a medication that supresses my immune system.  Through out this whole thing I have never known that the reason I loose strength is because my immune system is way too good.  In fact, it is so good that when it has no more to attack it goes and attacks my nerves.  The only bad thing about this medication is that it takes six months for it to kick in and every month for who knows how long I am going to have blood work done.  So anyway, I am hoping that they can get a handle on this and keep in under control.  Meanwhile, I am having treatments twice a month instead of once and running up a nice little bill for my insurance to cover...I won't say how much one treatment costs, but let me just say...it is higher then you think...higher...higher...higher!

However, on the bright side of life we are doing well and Kayden is growing every day.  His favorite word is 'adios' and he even uses it correctly.  He loves to grab our hands and show us where he wants to go.  Most of the time he takes us to the front door and says, "Go, Papa's house!"  He sure is a papas boy.  Ryan and I think every day how boring life would be without the little rugrat!  He makes us laugh more and more every day.  If he knows you are laughing at him then it makes him laugh really hard.  

Last night, they were giving away bobbleheads at the Dbacks game and Ryan has been collecting these for Kayden since we found out we were having a boy.  So, I decided that I would go to the game with Ryan and take Kayden.  This was his 4th game and he loves them, although, he doesn't last the whole game.  Anyway, during the game on the Jumbotron (the big tv in the stadium) they ask for you to text pictures to this one email and they will put them on at the end of the 5th inning.  We have done this before and they have never put them on.  So last night we sent a picture of Ryan and Kayden and it was the third picture they showed.  Kayden thought it was pretty cool that he was on the big tv...We were glad they finally showed one...

Okay, so here are some pictures of the last couple of weeks...

Kayden was waving at the people on the Jumbotron.
Watching the ducks at the park.
Kayden always went down the slide backwards all the time.
Landon was awesome on the slide...
I just think how he goes down the slide is so funny.